Return to Me

Well. It's that time of year again. Time for New Year's Resolutions.

I don't usually make resolutions for New Year's. I haven't for years. I tell myself it is because I am too busy and things are for the most part as they should be. But this year is different. For one--I have examined my failure to commit to making resolutions and I think it may have more to do with my distaste for failure than anything else. I hate to let myself down. To "decide" something and then not be able to see it through. But avoiding making important (and much needed) changes is not any better. And I am not going to say that my life is a mess or anything--I am truly very blessed in countless way--but to say that things are "as they should be" in my life right now would not be totally honest either.

So what do I most hope to do in 2009?

Return to Me.

Below is a photo I took of myself back in college:



I did a self-portrait project one semester. In trying to decide how best to capture 'Me' on film I focused right away on my disposition. My attachment to having time alone to think and to read, to create and to just be by myself. I don't know how much other people think about their own 'essence,' but I have always been fiercely attached to my own mind and the freedom to think, question and wonder. I was a philosophy major in college and I minored in art. When I think seriously about when I have been most at peace in my life, it is during these years as an undergraduate student. To be sure, much of that has to do with the freedom I had then from many of life's bigger distractions--mortgage payments, running a household, etc. But what really fed me, then, was the time I took to be alone, the time I spent in philosophy class--thinking, reading, writing and questioning--and the time I spent in art classes focused on beauty and form and expression.

For my self-portrait project I wanted to capture Me, but not my details. The series of photos are all abstract and my form is more a shape or suggestion than an obvious likeness. This is back in the day of film and darkrooms. I printed the photos with very high contrast filters and through crinkled up tissue paper. This effectually blurred and interrupted the clarity and details. It was an experiment. But when I saw the results I felt they suitably portrayed how I felt in my mind. And how I felt I appeared to others. The part of me that was untouchable. My own.



While my life is rich and full of many blessings, this need to be in touch with my Self has never disappeared but has long been neglected. So my resolution for this year is to find time to revisit my Self. To better balance my work and my family life and to make time for Me a priority again. Life has gotten really crowded lately and I have had an awful time making time to just hang out with my family. And to "unplug" both literally and figuratively. I am hoping to find time to exercise, read and perhaps try meditation or yoga. I think if I can quiet my mind and escape the rat race for a bit I will be a calmer person and a better wife and mother.



What is missing most in my life is serenity. What I want for myself this year is to enjoy stillness of mind and spirit.



My resolution: A Return to Me.

*Except for the first image, which was scanned, these are somewhat sloppy photos of photos. The prints were too large to scan so forgive the mediocre quality.