Supplies included a delicious red tea latte, some new books and magazines and a brand new personal calendar. I bought an iPhone a couple months back, in large part due to its ability to keep all of my contacts and appointments in one tidy, portable little package. But part of me can't stand to give up the old-fashioned daily planner. I am a slave to my lists. Now that I suffer terribly from Mommy-Fog, I find that if I don't write it down--it either doesn't happen or never happened. I forget everything! The new planner I bought has a nice weekly spread with room on the left to write lists regarding work tasks--I use this for my photography "to-do's"-- and another list on the right for "life" lists. This is where I jot down errands, personal tasks, etc.
I also bought two Eckhart Tolle books--The Power of Now and A New Earth. I have had them on "my list" forever now. Since my New Year's Resolution specifically centered around me finding some measure of inner peace and possibly learning how to meditate or at least find balance and calm, it felt about time to get around to buying these books. (Making time to read them turns out to still be quite a challenge, but at least I have them by my bed, right?!)
Now. The truth is, in a (big) way I have fallen short on my overall goal.But only so far. I have not figured out how to balance work and life in some new, miraculous way. I still haven't found time to exercise regularly or eat perfect meals! I have not meditated or even read very much of my Tolle books yet! But I am trying to just do a little bit at a time and to take it a day at a time. I have visited friends and family on the weekends. That is a positive step, since for months I never felt I had time for this. I relaxed a bit more and slept a bit more. That is all good.
I have neglected my blog lately in favor of trying to get some other things done and in order to make time for family and friends. So while a part of me winced each night I went to bed without having posted , I am constantly trying to let myself be "okay" with doing what I can and not doing everything.
I constantly struggle with the feeling that I need to be "doing" all the time. Like if ever I sit down to relax, I ought to be elsewhere doing something else. Anything else! Spending time with Finn. Spending time with Tim. Editing photos. Updating my website. Updating my blog. Calling so-and-so back. Visiting Gramma. Cleaning out the closets. Running on the treadmill. You name it. And the problem is, when you look at that list--everything on it seems important. Is important. Which is why I never sit down to relax!
But I am working on trying to calm my mind. To remind myself that all I have is the present moment. That I want to live my life in a way that makes me feel happy and fulfilled. Not just to check things off my ever-growing To Do list.
Another little book I bought on one of my visits to Border's has turned out to be a new favorite. And part of its charm, for me, is that it can be picked up and put down when you only have 5 minutes to read. Each "chapter" is short but full of thoughtful and inspiring content. I find myself wanting to write down every other sentence to share it with someone or just to carry with me.
The book is called Wide Open and was written by Dawna Markova. I wasn't looking for this book; in fact I hadn't ever heard of it. But I am a sucker for a good title and this one just grabbed me when my eyes danced across its cover. It turns out the author wrote a book several years ago titled I Will Not Live an Unlived Life. (Another lovely title.) She went alone to a cabin in the snow-covered mountains of Utah and spent six months writing and learning about herself, her soul. I can't wait to read that book, too. This second book is her response to the thousands of letters she received from readers of her first. It is meant to help us each discover our own purpose, to ask ourselves deep and meaningful questions and to discover for ourselves what truly matters.
At the beginning of the book she offers this poem:
Wide Open
I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
I could go on and on and literally am tempted to quote practically every page for you! I love to share writing that I am excited about and love to talk about life and thought and important questions. I may have to blog about this book a few more times. But let me, for now, end with one additional excerpt that so beautifully touched on my project for myself this New Year:
Thinking Yourself Home
No one can tell you how to find your purpose. It can only emerge slowly, in your own dark sky, in whatever territory is sacred to you, be that church or woods. It can't be found by searching for a role model. It is seldom discovered by following anyone else's rules. It lives in the rest in the place where music is born--the fertile void, the silence between notes.It emerges slowly as a sunrise as we search through our gifts, our darkness, our losses and loves. Your job and mine is to be quiet and alone from time. To be present to ourselves and the natural world, and to be in conversation with what is hidden in us to explore what brings us more alive.
In case you are interested, here is a link to purchase Wide Open online.
